Do you realize the more we say something, the more we’ll believe it? People deceive themselves all the time by uttering lies aloud or simply telling themselves things that aren’t true and then believing them: He must not like me anymore. She’s not interested in me like she used to be. He’s so disconnected. She believes she can do better than me. Stop the negative mind chatter (or verbal chatter with others) and start telling yourself and others what a loyal, dependable, talented, or funny spouse you have. The more you say it and hear yourself say it, the more you will believe it. Again, what we focus on grows.

In Psalm 42:5, the songwriter was in a funk and didn’t know why: “Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me?” (verse 5). So the Psalmist did something we all need to do when our minds start heading down an unhealthy path. He told himself what to think: “Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation.”

Try this tactic if you are finding your spouse unattractive and you don’t know why. Verbally say aloud, “This is the best spouse I could ever have” or “This man is God’s wonderful gift to me” or “This woman is the most beautiful woman in the world in my heart and eyes.” Tell yourself you are still attracted to your spouse and get rid of your negative, critical, or just complacent thinking.

4. Seek to Be More Attractive to Them

Sometimes it works both ways. You’re just not attracted to him anymore because he’s put on some weight and doesn’t look any more like the hot dude you married. And while you may be hitting the gym three times a week and doing what you can to stay in shape, he may have lost a little of that attraction toward you because of a tone he’s heard, a controlling nature that creeps up now and then, or simply because you’ve stopped being the girl you once were. We all change after marriage. We all become lazier when it comes to being on our best behavior and best appearance. While our attractiveness to each other should never be based upon physical appearance alone, the reality is that both sexes still tend to be attracted to what we see and how the other makes us feel.

So what can you do to make sure you are still the person he or she fell in love with? As you seek to bring back the girl or guy you once were (someone more flirty, adventurous, humorous, or considerate?), then you may cause your spouse to remember the way he or she was and want to do the same for you. Remember, more of the same doesn’t mean change. So, if the dynamic needs to change, then change the dynamic by doing something differently.

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